radiation & chemo so far

It has definitely been interesting.  Thought I’d write some of my impressions.


By the way, I originally intended for this blog to be about my adventures as a new mom, living in and traveling around Asia.  Change of plans!  For the next several months, it's about being a new mom undergoing treatment for breast cancer.  Not nearly as fun, but I'll probably have just as much to say.  When it's over, I'll get back to my original intent and start having those Asia adventures with my little family.

Radiation has been easy.  No side effects except for a little redness on my chest.  I just lie on a table and a machine rotates from my right side to my left and makes all manner of beeping noises for about 10 minutes.  Then I get up and go home.  No pain, no discomfort.  Well, the super corny Thai soft rock playing in the room makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I make it through.  I truly don’t feel anything, physically.  It almost makes me feel like nothing’s happening, that they’re just messing with me.   

There are 2 bummers about radiation.  First is that I have to go 5 days a week – so that’s my morning, every day.  Traffic makes the taxi ride way longer than it should be, so I have to be away from Sam for an hour and a half to two hours every morning.  I hate leaving him, but Abuelita (Ian’s mom) and/or Khun Na (our babysitter) keep him very happy while I’m gone.  The other bummer is that to position me properly for the radiation, the techs drew all over my chest and abdomen with marker about 6 weeks ago and covered all the marks with tape so they won’t wash off.  I look silly.  I have green, blue, and red lines, squiggles, and x marks all over me.  It really limits what shirts I can wear – it seems like anything other than a turtleneck shows some of the marks.  It’s still 90 degrees almost every day here, so turtlenecks are out.  So I’ve just been walking around with strange ink and letting people be puzzled about it.  

Very happy that I’ve got 25 out of 30 sessions under my belt, and I’m finished next Friday.  That means mornings with my wee son and no more strange ink!

Chemo, not so friendly.  I am not a fan.  2 down, 4 to go.  I’m definitely counting.

My first chemo was on Dec. 4, and my second was on Christmas day.  My doctor gave me the option to postpone the Christmas session, but I said no way.  I want to plow through this – get it over with as quickly as possible.  I have a session every 3 weeks.  The first 3 are one type of chemo, and the second 3 are another, tougher, type.

The room is pretty much what I’d pictured – lazy boy chairs lining the walls, paired with less comfy chairs for patients’ companions.  The staff is incredibly friendly and sweet, and they do everything they can to put you at ease.   Ian and I made the really tough decision for him to stay home with Sam, both times.  My chemo sessions are on Sundays – weird, right? – and that’s Khun Na’s day off.  We knew they would be lengthy appointments, and they were (the first was 7 hours!  2^nd was 4), and his mom just didn’t feel comfortable being alone with Sam for that long.  So she went with me, and she was absolutely lovely, but I missed Ian.  And he was at home going nuts with worry – I think it was harder for him than for me.

They start by giving me infusions of anti-nausea and anti-allergy meds.  Then they start the chemo drip.  At the first session, my body rejected the chemo within the first 3 minutes.  It was crazy – I felt an intense pulsating pain in my chest and back, and I really had no idea what was happening.  A nurse saw me turning in my chair to try to alleviate the pain and came running over.  She disconnected the drip and the pain immediately stopped.  Pretty scary.  It’s always scary when you see a nurse break into a run.  She gave me another infusion of anti-allergy meds and started the chemo drip again, this time at half speed, and it was ok.  At my second session, they started at half speed again, and everything was fine. 

For the first 2 days after a session, I have to wear long sleeves and gloves when touching Sam, because the chemo drugs themselves can come out in my sweat.  It’s annoying, but not too big a deal.  At least I get to hold him.

It takes a couple days for me to feel the effects of the treatment.  After my first session, I braced myself to feel terrible.  I felt like I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for it to hit.  But I felt surprisingly wired, verging on an adrenaline rush.  I ran from one end of my apartment to the other, putting stuff away, compulsively tidying up – I guess I was preparing for being laid out, and I wanted to get everything in order, but it totally stressed Ian and his mom out.  They kept telling me, “Sit down!  You just had chemo!!”  But I had way too much nervous energy and couldn’t contain myself.  Of course, a couple days later I was halfway comatose.  It feels like a bad case of the flu.  Body aches, total exhaustion, sore throat, nausea.  Here’s me laying around with my sweet baby boy - he didn’t mind a bit that we were taking it easy.  We were great co-nappers. 

 

I started to feel better about 5 days after the first session, but after the second, it took 8 or 9 days.  Sam and I did lots of lying around together this time too.

Well, you see the pictures – I did lose my hair.  It was pretty surreal, like having a nightmare actually happen.   I’d heard it could happen 2 weeks after the first session, and it did – to the day.  The Sunday before Christmas, I started to pull out clumps of strands.  By Wednesday I was pulling out major handfuls, and by Thursday, I had bald patches on the top of my head.  I started wearing a hat that day.   It was kind of fascinating, to pull it out all day long.  Some people like to peel sunburned skin or pop zits – I’m one of those.  So pulling it out was even a little bit fun.  But it also terrified me and made me burst into tears periodically.  I waited until Christmas Eve to deal with it, because I was getting together with two of my closest girlfriends, Geneva and Susan.  We had fun hacking away at it, trying bangs, a bob, a short ‘do.  We couldn’t really tell what I’d look like with those hairstyles because the hair was so sparse at that point, but it was still fun.  Then Ian took the clippers and did away with the rest of it.   I was pleasantly surprised!  My head shape isn’t bad, and I didn’t look too crazy with a buzz cut!  I look a little crazier now that it’s almost all completely gone, but that night, it wasn’t traumatic at all – it was just fine. 

So I started wearing scarves, and I don’t mind them.  I have a little collection going, and a couple of them are really pretty.  I had this idea that I’d wear all sorts of big earrings to compensate for lack of hair, but my friend Rebecca pointed out that combined with the scarves, you start looking like a fortune teller… 

We’re getting through this.  Ian has been wonderful, his mom has been great.  Our friends have been amazing, bringing us meals every Monday (even when I’m feeling fine!), checking in on me all the time, keeping me company.  My family has been incredibly supportive – I get a care package in the mail nearly every day.  I’m not even kidding.  And my friend Rebecca arranged, on my family's behalf, for flowers to come to me every week.  Really, I am engulfed in support from everyone I know.  I can’t even begin to keep up with all the lovely emails, cards, and facebook messages I get.   Thank you to ALL OF YOU!!!  You’re making all of this totally bearable.

And the bottom line is that I get to be Sam’s mom, no matter what.  Yeah, going to the hospital every morning is a drag, but he’s there when I get home, and the rest of the day is awesome.  I get down every once in a while, but it’s hard to stay down when this is the cuteness that is nonstop all day every day:

 and the ultimate:

let's get this over with!

just wanted to give a little update.

i assume everyone has heard that we have a beautiful baby boy, Samuel Douglas, aka Sam!  he arrived on 10/28 at a whopping 9 lbs, 1 oz.  he's amazing.  we couldn't be happier.

love it when he smiles!!!

we were so excited to have a month to just hang out with him before starting my treatment, and it really was as wonderful as we'd hoped.  ian got to take 2 weeks off work and then went back for only half days for another 2 weeks.  we just sat around and stared at our kid like two fools - most fun ever.  ian went back full time this week, and although i was a bit panicked at first, sam and i did pretty well!  he's generally a pretty chill and happy baby - and a great sleeper.  wow, we're lucky on that one.  at least so far!

anyway, unfortunately, the honeymoon is over.  i start treatment in a couple days: chemo on 12/4 and radiation on 12/5.  chemo will be every 3 weeks (on sundays - weird, huh?) for 18 weeks, and radiation is every day, mon-fri, for 6 weeks.

radiation shouldn't be too bad, except that i have to go in every day, which is a pain.  thankfully we have an absolutely wonderful babysitter who will look after sam while i'm out.  of course, chemo is the scary one.  the list of side effects is definitely daunting.  but it's so different for everyone - some people are pretty debilitated, others can continue their lives more or less normally.  i have NO idea what to expect.  we'll just have to see.

my main concern is being well enough to take care of the wee one.  i do have our babysitter to help, and ian's mom is here until mid-january, so he will be taken care of one way or another.  but it'll really break my heart if i'm too sick to do it myself.  but he's little, and he does a lot of lying around at this point - so hopefully we'll just lie around together.  once he gets mobile, hopefully i'll be more mobile too.

another concern is that i finish the chemo sessions on schedule, by 3/18.  apparently, sessions can get delayed if white blood cells are low or if i get an infection.  but i'm reeeeally hoping that doesn't happen, because i want to be finished and recovered in time to make it to my baby sister's wedding in april!  oh i hope i hope i hope.

the hardest thing i've had to do so far was stop breastfeeding sam - had to do it last weekend.  breastfeeding really surprised me.  i'd planned to breastfeed because it seems like the thing to do - all the antibodies and such.  but to be honest, before having him, it always seemed a bit icky to me.  i hate to admit it, but it's true!  it seemed very... mammal.  but sam was a born nurser.  he loved it.  and it was so sweet to be able to give him what he wanted, and what was so good for him, just naturally from my body.  it was beautiful.  i never thought i'd say that, but it really was.  especially on the left side - i'd look down and see my scar from the surgery that he and i both weathered, yet i was still able to feed him perfectly well...  it was really amazing.  it was so hard for me to end it.  the first bottle i gave him, to try it out, he and i both cried the whole time.  i cried every time i gave him a bottle, and i cried every time i nursed him because i knew it was ending.  but then i discovered that sam isn't just a born nurser - he's a born eater.  he loves the bottle too.  he's doing fine.  he's doing great, actually.  very thankful for that.  and now he looks up into my eyes while he drinks - it's pretty darn cute.

i have awesome friends here who have already organized weekly meal deliveries and have offered to help in all sorts of ways.  we're gonna get through this!  hoping that i'll be updating the blog with comments like, "this isn't too bad!" and "i feel pretty well!"

hoping for that.

consider this the 'before'

i made a little video of our apartment about a month or two ago - then got very, very distracted and never posted it.  i thought i'd post it now, because our stuff has arrived and the apartment is such a disaster, it might be quite a while before i can post the 'after.'  so at least you can picture where we live in the meantime.  and someday, after having the baby and maybe even after finishing radiation and chemo, we'll get really settled in and i can post the 'after'!


p.s. sorry it's so long!  didn't realize i was rambling on quite so much.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-wHVcfs8V4

hooray for good news!

We got fantastic news from our surgeon yesterday!

The 10 lymph nodes that were removed all tested clean - no cancer.  Additionally, the wide margin around the tumor tested clean - all the surrounding tissue, even the underneath tissue.  The doctor can't say definitively that there's no metastasis, but he can say there's no sign of it!

We are absolutely thrilled, because this means I'm most likely out of immediate danger.  Treatment is still necessary - definitely radiation.  We'll find out if chemo is also needed on Saturday, when the rest of the pathology report comes back.  But the awesome news is that treatment isn't urgent - the doctor says we can wait 10 weeks!!  That's 6 weeks to let the baby come on his own (back to natural birth plan!) and then 4 weeks of baby-loving, including breastfeeding, before radiation begins.  Not sure when chemo would begin, if it's needed, but not before then.

All of this needs to be double checked by doctors back home - the Embassy will send everything back for a 2nd opinion - but the pathologists here did an ultra-thorough assessment, and we trust that the results are accurate.

What a huge relief - at the very least, we have the next 10 weeks off to relax, have a normal life, get ready for the baby, and then enjoy him and focus on him fully when he comes.  Such a gift.

Thank you all for the incredible support you've given us - the emails, facebook messages, and phone calls have been extremely comforting to us.  Local friends, thank you thank you for visiting, bringing food, texting, etc over the past few days.  We appreciate ALL of you SO much - you've made this hellish experience bearable.  Not totally out of the woods yet, but we have HUGE hope.  Yay!!!

really didn't see this coming...

let me start by saying i'm a lousy blogger.  i have all sorts of ideas for posts, and photos ready to go, but i just don't get around to posting.  i vow to do better, and to fill this blog with with endless pics and tales of our life in thailand.  but this post is different; i have share some crappy news.  


2 weeks ago, at exactly 8 months pregnant, i was diagnosed with breast cancer.  by chance, i'd noticed a little lump in my left breast, so i mentioned it to my OB.  she sent me for an ultrasound and an appointment with a breast surgeon, and he did a needle biopsy.  confirmed: invasive ductal carcinoma.  ian and i were completely stunned.  we figured it would be nothing - maybe a clogged milk duct - but breast cancer??  especially since, as many of you know, i had thyroid cancer about 15 years ago.  i figured i'd done my time - lightning couldn't possibly strike me twice.  but here we are.


last week was packed with visits to various bangkok doctors and meetings at the embassy med office.  every evening and morning, we were on the phone and emailing with specialists back in the states.  it's amazing how many of our friends and family have connections to top breast surgeons, oncologists, obgyns, etc.  a HUGE thank you to everyone who hooked us up with resources.  by the end of the week, we had a plan: surgery, then baby, then radiation and/or chemo.


surgery is tomorrow.  we are blessed to be working with the top breast surgeon in thailand - the surgeon to the royal family :)  and he's the founder and director of the highly-respected breast cancer center here in bangkok.  he'll be removing the tumor and several nearby lymph nodes.  of course, we were extremely freaked out by the idea of surgery/general anesthesia while i'm still pregnant, but we've been assured by everyone we've talked to that it's safe for the baby.  and we just can't wait - pregnancy hormones can be very dangerous for cancer growth.  there's a tiny chance of preterm labor, but i'm 34 weeks now, and the baby would almost surely do very well if he came now.  plus, i've been getting steroid injections to help with his lung development.  but he'll most likely stay put.


we'll have to wait a few days to learn the results of the tumor/lymph node analysis.  if it's good news, we may be able to wait for the baby to come on his own (in about 6 weeks) and start treatment after.  if it's bad news, we may have to bring the baby early to start treatment sooner.  looks like worse case scenario would be delivering him at 37 weeks, which isn't bad at all.  he'd be full-term - not considered a preemie.


we vacillate between being focused, task-oriented, determined and terrified, panicked, angry, sad.  ian has been amazing - i know he's going through his own fear and grief right now, but somehow he manages to take excellent care of me.  i hope i do the same for him.  and, while we've been in bangkok less than 2 months, we already have an incredible group of friends who have been unbelievably supportive.  it's definitely difficult to be so far from family and our other friends, and we've questioned whether staying in bangkok for treatment is the right decision - but medical care is so good here, and we don't have to be separated.  if i came home, ian could come for a brief time, but not for long.  so for now, we're choosing to stay here, leaning on our new community of friends and the wonderful medical experts we've met.


we decided to share this with everyone, because it looks likely that this could be a lengthy process, and it just doesn't work to try to keep it quiet.  plus, the outpouring of love and support we've already received from people who know has been a huge source of strength for us - there's no logic in trying to go through this alone.


we'll keep you in the loop.  thanks for reading :)

our new hood

check out our neighborhood!

so, the main street running through this part of town is Sukhumvit.  here are a couple pics, but it's kind of hard to see because the sky train runs along the middle of the road - very convenient for us!  there's a stop right at our street.

traffic on Sukhumvit is always like this

there are dozens of numbered streets (Sois) on either side of it.  we live on Sukhumvit Soi 24.  

soi 24 can be summed up by 3 types of establishments: high rise apartment buildings (like ours), massage places/spas (most of them are above board), and japanese restaurants (there are lots of japanese people living in the area).  here's a little montage:

all of these are ON our street!

not cheap, unfortunately...

2 in 1!

some other fun things on our street are pictures of the king and/or queen,

spirit houses,

the bottom right one is at our building :)

a giant shrimp (great landmark when directing taxi drivers - 'gung yai'),

and our street's most puzzling sign.

some of the other nearby sois are really great, with lots of interesting restaurants and shops - pics of those places to come!

saying goodbye

well, we're in bangkok!  more on that later.


we had several months and multiple locations of saying goodbye to family and friends, and I want to make sure i record those memories here - it was wonderful, sad, fun, difficult, surreal...


first big goodbye was when my brother jesse and his wife rebecca and son Daniel visited us back in early may.  

hanging out with both of my brothers - rare opportunity!

i adore this kid

cute fam!

next was a visit from my sister susanna and her daughter lily.  

2 preggies

lil and i riding the carousel on the national mall

then we took a road trip to chattanooga to see my oldest friend, amy, and one of my best college friends, heather.  i was terrible about taking pics consistently, so i don't have any of heather :(

ian and scott

amy and dove

we flew to new orleans to see our friends billy and nikki and their daughter rosie.

on the ferry going to the beach!

these 2 were best buddies

i went alone to san antonio to visit my sister libby, her husband, and 2 fantastic boys, lukas and josh.  (ian went straight to florida for some mom-son time.)  no pics of lib and me - how is that possible??

joshie always invited me to cuddle with him. i ate that UP! 

of the pathetically few pics i took in san antonio, 90% were versions of this :)

then i joined ian in florida for some time with his mom, and we got a visit from his sister jana and her family.  somehow ian and i both failed to take any pics during that entire time, except this one of bryce :)

back in dc, we said our final goodbyes to friends (of course i kept forgetting my camera!) and to my family.  my mom organized a lovely picnic at the dc aboretum.

yummy picnic lunch

mama and me

the final goodbye was at the airport.  we met my parents early in the morning, and clay came and surprised me!!  

breakfast at t.g.i. friday's - not bad, surprisingly!

weepy me

last moment!

it was great to spend time with all those people, and really hard to say goodbye.  but we were also so excited to be leaving for bangkok - and now we're here!  

i'll post about our new life in bangkok soon.  things have been CRAZY busy, and i haven't had time to take more than a couple of pics, so a post wouldn't be too interesting.  but i'll do it soon!