A long overdue update

There are a couple of reasons I haven’t posted in a long time.  The first is that during the final chemo treatments, when I thought about posting, a little voice in my head always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”  And I didn’t.  Those last few chemo treatments were brutal.  I felt awful, and I was discouraged.  I really didn’t want to use the blog to whine.  That’s no fun for anyone.  I figured that everyone assumed things sucked – and they were right – so there was no point describing exactly how it sucked.  There were, of course, many bright moments with Sam, Ian, friends, etc. and I actually started a blog post about all the fun I was having between treatments, but then I got sick again and was too bummed out to finish it.  Anyway, you get the idea.

The second reason is that after chemo was done, I was so ecstatic to put it behind me that I couldn't make myself focus on anything cancer-y.  And the blog had gotten pretty cancer-y.  I just didn’t want to think about it, revisit it, even write about how glad I was that it was over because then I’d have to think about how crappy it had been.

I have enough distance – and enough new hair – to write about it now.  It was the strangest experience of my life.  Being really sick, then feeling better, then getting sick again, over and over for 4 months – it was bizarre.  After the final chemo treatment, I was so giddy I think Ian actually started to get annoyed :)  Knowing I could get better and stay better was absolutely exhilarating.  When each symptom faded away, I knew it wouldn’t come back, and I celebrated every single time.

I had extra reason to celebrate: a good result on a blood test. My doctor-of-few-words said, “So, the chemo worked.”  I don’t understand it too well, but cancer “markers” in blood are correlated somehow to the presence of breast cancer.  The marker that had been of concern was at 54 in December, when I started chemo (normal is 0-30).   In April, it was at 11.  I wish I understood it better, but evidently it’s good news!  What it really meant for me was that I could end chemo knowing that I was really ending it.  Unless my cancer recurs, I don’t ever have to do it again.  This episode of cancer has been duly chemo-ed. 

I am still undergoing treatment – a year of a medication called Herceptin.  It’s the same routine as chemo: every 3 weeks, I go to the chemo room, get an IV, and sit for a few hours as the medicine goes into my bloodstream.  But there’s a HUGE difference – no side effects.  At all.  I feel totally normal.  It’s pretty great.  Some of my friends have commented that it must annoying to still have to go in every 3 weeks, and on a Sunday, but I don’t mind (at least not yet).  I’m just so happy that between those treatments, I feel fine the whole time – I’ll take it.

After the last chemo treatment, I had a few weeks to recover before Sam and I traveled back to the States for my sister Abby’s wedding.   I’d been so afraid that I wouldn’t finish chemo in time to make it to the wedding, but only one treatment was delayed a week, so I finished with a few weeks to spare.  The trip was fantastic, and the wedding was wonderful.  My whole family got to meet Sam, and even Ian’s mom was able to visit for a few days to see her grandson.  Here are a few pics from the trip (sorry if you’ve already seen them on Facebook!).

I was there!!  Congrats to my dear sister and her sweet husband!

Sam with 8 of his cousins

Sam and Mateo - born just 3 weeks apart!

My sister Susanna is a great photographer - had to include this gorgeous photo.

2 of my incredible sisters.

Sam with his mama, grandmama, and great-grandmama

Sam with his other grandmama.

After we got back to Bangkok, we had just a couple of weeks before we left again for a long-awaited family vacation to Malaysia.  The three of us had so much fun.  We went to Kuala Lumpur, then to the Cameron Highlands to hike in the gorgeous tea plantations, then to the beach in the Perhentian Islands, and finally to the very cool island of Penang.  Again, sorry if you’ve seen the pics on Facebook, but here are some highlights:

Kuala Lumpur

Cameron Highlands

Boh Tea Plantation, Cameron Highlands

Perhentian Islands

Sam and Dad

Our little fam

I had enough peach fuzz on my head by the Malaysia trip to ditch the scarves.  It was a welcome change – they really make me hot, and Malaysia is just as steamy as Thailand.  It's still super short, but it's presentable.  I actually have my first haircut scheduled for later this week.  I have enough hair that it needs a cut! 

So, chemo is over and both trips are behind me, and it should be time for life to return to normal, right?  But I don’t even know what normal life is anymore.  Nearly everything about my life has changed in the past year.  I now have a child, I live in Thailand, I don’t have a job anymore…  Ian's still around, so that's good :)  But otherwise, I’m starting from scratch.  I’m figuring out how I want to structure my days/weeks as a stay-at-home mom.  It’s exciting, but a bit daunting.  Hoping I come up with a routine that works for Sam but is also fulfilling for me.  I'll come up with something - a  new normal.  I’m just so ready to have a regular life as a regular mom – I’m very thankful I can finally do that.

the wonderful people in my life

I need to write about the incredibly supportive, loving, and thoughtful people in my life.  Not a single day goes by that I don’t get some sort of pick-me-up: a card, a phone call, an email, a package, a bouquet, a meal, snacks, a visit, a facebook post…  I could go on.  People are constantly reaching out to me, doing something thoughtful for me, saying something encouraging to me.  I’ve heard from nearly everyone I know, and a lot of people I don’t know! 

My Bangkok friends bring us dinner every week.  It’s always such a treat to have a meal brought to your home – and most of the time, the friend(s) can stay to eat with us!

(Silly me never remembers to take pics, though.)

I get lovely cards all the time with encouraging notes.  They always seem to come on days when I feel the worst, and they always cheer me up.

Several people have sent me scarves and hats and even wigs!  One of my best friends made a video for me about how to tie the scarves in a cute way, taking me from feeling like a scullery maid to feeling a tiny bit fabulous.

I mentioned in the last post that beautiful bouquets of flowers arrive at my door every Monday.  They’re from my family, Ian, and a couple of friends.  I’ve never had fresh flowers in my  house all the time before – it’s a big time mood booster. 

Our DVD library has expanded tenfold.  We had nothing to watch – cable here is pretty crappy, Netflix takes forever to arrive, and local DVDs don’t play on our player (we need to get a universal DVD player, but have had a few other things on our plate).  Now we have all sorts of things to watch – and I don’t know about you, but when I’m sick, sometimes I just need to veg out in front of the tv.  Now I can!

I have an expanding magazine library going too – some have sent me magazines they finished with, and others have given me gift subscriptions.  Everything from the New Yorker to US Weekly!

A friend’s mom, whom I’ve never met, knitted me a gorgeous ‘healing shawl.’

A friend of my sister’s knitted Sam a super cute little hat – I’ve never met her either!

An old friend who I haven’t seen in many, many years sent me this beautiful necklace.

 

I felt pretty lousy on my birthday, but it was impossible to have a bad day.  I got dozens of kind facebook messages.  My family made a podcast for me that blew my mind – each member of the family recorded an audio message and Abby combined them into one podcast.  My niece and nephews sang songs, told stories, and read poems to baby Sam.  I cried the entire 20 minutes.  And I had several visits from friends throughout the day, including a little surprise party in the evening with champagne and cake J

 

There are so many people to thank that I’ll say a general “thank you” SO much to everyone.  Thank you for all your thoughtfulness. 

But I do have to thank my parents specifically.  They practically live at the post office, sending me care packages constantly.  My mom bought out the candy canes at her local grocery store because she knows I love them – and they help with my nausea.  They’ve sent health food, yummy treats, DVDs, books, little items I can’t get here, and of course, candy canes.  They are tireless in their efforts to make me feel loved. 

And my mom was here for 6 weeks, helping me unpack our 5000 pound shipment from the states and organize the apartment when I had little energy and even less motivation.  Next, my mother-in-law, Luz Marina, stayed with us for nearly 8 weeks, taking care of both Sam and me when things got rough.  She also helped Ian and I decorate our apartment, making it start to really feel like home.  Both moms came all the way to Asia and hardly had the chance to do anything fun - but they didn't complain.  They were truly here to help us, and we were so grateful.


And, of course, Ian.  He’s with me through every moment of this - taking care of me when I feel awful, keeping track of my meds and appointments, holding my hand during chemo, giving me pep talks when I get sick of it all…  Can’t imagine going through this without him.  And I never would've chosen the strange timing of having a new baby while going through treatment, but I can't imagine going through this without Sam, either. 

Sorry for being mushy – I’m just filled with gratitude and love for the people who have made these past few months not only bearable, but pretty remarkable.  Thank you everyone!

radiation & chemo so far

It has definitely been interesting.  Thought I’d write some of my impressions.


By the way, I originally intended for this blog to be about my adventures as a new mom, living in and traveling around Asia.  Change of plans!  For the next several months, it's about being a new mom undergoing treatment for breast cancer.  Not nearly as fun, but I'll probably have just as much to say.  When it's over, I'll get back to my original intent and start having those Asia adventures with my little family.

Radiation has been easy.  No side effects except for a little redness on my chest.  I just lie on a table and a machine rotates from my right side to my left and makes all manner of beeping noises for about 10 minutes.  Then I get up and go home.  No pain, no discomfort.  Well, the super corny Thai soft rock playing in the room makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I make it through.  I truly don’t feel anything, physically.  It almost makes me feel like nothing’s happening, that they’re just messing with me.   

There are 2 bummers about radiation.  First is that I have to go 5 days a week – so that’s my morning, every day.  Traffic makes the taxi ride way longer than it should be, so I have to be away from Sam for an hour and a half to two hours every morning.  I hate leaving him, but Abuelita (Ian’s mom) and/or Khun Na (our babysitter) keep him very happy while I’m gone.  The other bummer is that to position me properly for the radiation, the techs drew all over my chest and abdomen with marker about 6 weeks ago and covered all the marks with tape so they won’t wash off.  I look silly.  I have green, blue, and red lines, squiggles, and x marks all over me.  It really limits what shirts I can wear – it seems like anything other than a turtleneck shows some of the marks.  It’s still 90 degrees almost every day here, so turtlenecks are out.  So I’ve just been walking around with strange ink and letting people be puzzled about it.  

Very happy that I’ve got 25 out of 30 sessions under my belt, and I’m finished next Friday.  That means mornings with my wee son and no more strange ink!

Chemo, not so friendly.  I am not a fan.  2 down, 4 to go.  I’m definitely counting.

My first chemo was on Dec. 4, and my second was on Christmas day.  My doctor gave me the option to postpone the Christmas session, but I said no way.  I want to plow through this – get it over with as quickly as possible.  I have a session every 3 weeks.  The first 3 are one type of chemo, and the second 3 are another, tougher, type.

The room is pretty much what I’d pictured – lazy boy chairs lining the walls, paired with less comfy chairs for patients’ companions.  The staff is incredibly friendly and sweet, and they do everything they can to put you at ease.   Ian and I made the really tough decision for him to stay home with Sam, both times.  My chemo sessions are on Sundays – weird, right? – and that’s Khun Na’s day off.  We knew they would be lengthy appointments, and they were (the first was 7 hours!  2^nd was 4), and his mom just didn’t feel comfortable being alone with Sam for that long.  So she went with me, and she was absolutely lovely, but I missed Ian.  And he was at home going nuts with worry – I think it was harder for him than for me.

They start by giving me infusions of anti-nausea and anti-allergy meds.  Then they start the chemo drip.  At the first session, my body rejected the chemo within the first 3 minutes.  It was crazy – I felt an intense pulsating pain in my chest and back, and I really had no idea what was happening.  A nurse saw me turning in my chair to try to alleviate the pain and came running over.  She disconnected the drip and the pain immediately stopped.  Pretty scary.  It’s always scary when you see a nurse break into a run.  She gave me another infusion of anti-allergy meds and started the chemo drip again, this time at half speed, and it was ok.  At my second session, they started at half speed again, and everything was fine. 

For the first 2 days after a session, I have to wear long sleeves and gloves when touching Sam, because the chemo drugs themselves can come out in my sweat.  It’s annoying, but not too big a deal.  At least I get to hold him.

It takes a couple days for me to feel the effects of the treatment.  After my first session, I braced myself to feel terrible.  I felt like I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for it to hit.  But I felt surprisingly wired, verging on an adrenaline rush.  I ran from one end of my apartment to the other, putting stuff away, compulsively tidying up – I guess I was preparing for being laid out, and I wanted to get everything in order, but it totally stressed Ian and his mom out.  They kept telling me, “Sit down!  You just had chemo!!”  But I had way too much nervous energy and couldn’t contain myself.  Of course, a couple days later I was halfway comatose.  It feels like a bad case of the flu.  Body aches, total exhaustion, sore throat, nausea.  Here’s me laying around with my sweet baby boy - he didn’t mind a bit that we were taking it easy.  We were great co-nappers. 

 

I started to feel better about 5 days after the first session, but after the second, it took 8 or 9 days.  Sam and I did lots of lying around together this time too.

Well, you see the pictures – I did lose my hair.  It was pretty surreal, like having a nightmare actually happen.   I’d heard it could happen 2 weeks after the first session, and it did – to the day.  The Sunday before Christmas, I started to pull out clumps of strands.  By Wednesday I was pulling out major handfuls, and by Thursday, I had bald patches on the top of my head.  I started wearing a hat that day.   It was kind of fascinating, to pull it out all day long.  Some people like to peel sunburned skin or pop zits – I’m one of those.  So pulling it out was even a little bit fun.  But it also terrified me and made me burst into tears periodically.  I waited until Christmas Eve to deal with it, because I was getting together with two of my closest girlfriends, Geneva and Susan.  We had fun hacking away at it, trying bangs, a bob, a short ‘do.  We couldn’t really tell what I’d look like with those hairstyles because the hair was so sparse at that point, but it was still fun.  Then Ian took the clippers and did away with the rest of it.   I was pleasantly surprised!  My head shape isn’t bad, and I didn’t look too crazy with a buzz cut!  I look a little crazier now that it’s almost all completely gone, but that night, it wasn’t traumatic at all – it was just fine. 

So I started wearing scarves, and I don’t mind them.  I have a little collection going, and a couple of them are really pretty.  I had this idea that I’d wear all sorts of big earrings to compensate for lack of hair, but my friend Rebecca pointed out that combined with the scarves, you start looking like a fortune teller… 

We’re getting through this.  Ian has been wonderful, his mom has been great.  Our friends have been amazing, bringing us meals every Monday (even when I’m feeling fine!), checking in on me all the time, keeping me company.  My family has been incredibly supportive – I get a care package in the mail nearly every day.  I’m not even kidding.  And my friend Rebecca arranged, on my family's behalf, for flowers to come to me every week.  Really, I am engulfed in support from everyone I know.  I can’t even begin to keep up with all the lovely emails, cards, and facebook messages I get.   Thank you to ALL OF YOU!!!  You’re making all of this totally bearable.

And the bottom line is that I get to be Sam’s mom, no matter what.  Yeah, going to the hospital every morning is a drag, but he’s there when I get home, and the rest of the day is awesome.  I get down every once in a while, but it’s hard to stay down when this is the cuteness that is nonstop all day every day:

 and the ultimate:

let's get this over with!

just wanted to give a little update.

i assume everyone has heard that we have a beautiful baby boy, Samuel Douglas, aka Sam!  he arrived on 10/28 at a whopping 9 lbs, 1 oz.  he's amazing.  we couldn't be happier.

love it when he smiles!!!

we were so excited to have a month to just hang out with him before starting my treatment, and it really was as wonderful as we'd hoped.  ian got to take 2 weeks off work and then went back for only half days for another 2 weeks.  we just sat around and stared at our kid like two fools - most fun ever.  ian went back full time this week, and although i was a bit panicked at first, sam and i did pretty well!  he's generally a pretty chill and happy baby - and a great sleeper.  wow, we're lucky on that one.  at least so far!

anyway, unfortunately, the honeymoon is over.  i start treatment in a couple days: chemo on 12/4 and radiation on 12/5.  chemo will be every 3 weeks (on sundays - weird, huh?) for 18 weeks, and radiation is every day, mon-fri, for 6 weeks.

radiation shouldn't be too bad, except that i have to go in every day, which is a pain.  thankfully we have an absolutely wonderful babysitter who will look after sam while i'm out.  of course, chemo is the scary one.  the list of side effects is definitely daunting.  but it's so different for everyone - some people are pretty debilitated, others can continue their lives more or less normally.  i have NO idea what to expect.  we'll just have to see.

my main concern is being well enough to take care of the wee one.  i do have our babysitter to help, and ian's mom is here until mid-january, so he will be taken care of one way or another.  but it'll really break my heart if i'm too sick to do it myself.  but he's little, and he does a lot of lying around at this point - so hopefully we'll just lie around together.  once he gets mobile, hopefully i'll be more mobile too.

another concern is that i finish the chemo sessions on schedule, by 3/18.  apparently, sessions can get delayed if white blood cells are low or if i get an infection.  but i'm reeeeally hoping that doesn't happen, because i want to be finished and recovered in time to make it to my baby sister's wedding in april!  oh i hope i hope i hope.

the hardest thing i've had to do so far was stop breastfeeding sam - had to do it last weekend.  breastfeeding really surprised me.  i'd planned to breastfeed because it seems like the thing to do - all the antibodies and such.  but to be honest, before having him, it always seemed a bit icky to me.  i hate to admit it, but it's true!  it seemed very... mammal.  but sam was a born nurser.  he loved it.  and it was so sweet to be able to give him what he wanted, and what was so good for him, just naturally from my body.  it was beautiful.  i never thought i'd say that, but it really was.  especially on the left side - i'd look down and see my scar from the surgery that he and i both weathered, yet i was still able to feed him perfectly well...  it was really amazing.  it was so hard for me to end it.  the first bottle i gave him, to try it out, he and i both cried the whole time.  i cried every time i gave him a bottle, and i cried every time i nursed him because i knew it was ending.  but then i discovered that sam isn't just a born nurser - he's a born eater.  he loves the bottle too.  he's doing fine.  he's doing great, actually.  very thankful for that.  and now he looks up into my eyes while he drinks - it's pretty darn cute.

i have awesome friends here who have already organized weekly meal deliveries and have offered to help in all sorts of ways.  we're gonna get through this!  hoping that i'll be updating the blog with comments like, "this isn't too bad!" and "i feel pretty well!"

hoping for that.

consider this the 'before'

i made a little video of our apartment about a month or two ago - then got very, very distracted and never posted it.  i thought i'd post it now, because our stuff has arrived and the apartment is such a disaster, it might be quite a while before i can post the 'after.'  so at least you can picture where we live in the meantime.  and someday, after having the baby and maybe even after finishing radiation and chemo, we'll get really settled in and i can post the 'after'!


p.s. sorry it's so long!  didn't realize i was rambling on quite so much.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-wHVcfs8V4

hooray for good news!

We got fantastic news from our surgeon yesterday!

The 10 lymph nodes that were removed all tested clean - no cancer.  Additionally, the wide margin around the tumor tested clean - all the surrounding tissue, even the underneath tissue.  The doctor can't say definitively that there's no metastasis, but he can say there's no sign of it!

We are absolutely thrilled, because this means I'm most likely out of immediate danger.  Treatment is still necessary - definitely radiation.  We'll find out if chemo is also needed on Saturday, when the rest of the pathology report comes back.  But the awesome news is that treatment isn't urgent - the doctor says we can wait 10 weeks!!  That's 6 weeks to let the baby come on his own (back to natural birth plan!) and then 4 weeks of baby-loving, including breastfeeding, before radiation begins.  Not sure when chemo would begin, if it's needed, but not before then.

All of this needs to be double checked by doctors back home - the Embassy will send everything back for a 2nd opinion - but the pathologists here did an ultra-thorough assessment, and we trust that the results are accurate.

What a huge relief - at the very least, we have the next 10 weeks off to relax, have a normal life, get ready for the baby, and then enjoy him and focus on him fully when he comes.  Such a gift.

Thank you all for the incredible support you've given us - the emails, facebook messages, and phone calls have been extremely comforting to us.  Local friends, thank you thank you for visiting, bringing food, texting, etc over the past few days.  We appreciate ALL of you SO much - you've made this hellish experience bearable.  Not totally out of the woods yet, but we have HUGE hope.  Yay!!!

really didn't see this coming...

let me start by saying i'm a lousy blogger.  i have all sorts of ideas for posts, and photos ready to go, but i just don't get around to posting.  i vow to do better, and to fill this blog with with endless pics and tales of our life in thailand.  but this post is different; i have share some crappy news.  


2 weeks ago, at exactly 8 months pregnant, i was diagnosed with breast cancer.  by chance, i'd noticed a little lump in my left breast, so i mentioned it to my OB.  she sent me for an ultrasound and an appointment with a breast surgeon, and he did a needle biopsy.  confirmed: invasive ductal carcinoma.  ian and i were completely stunned.  we figured it would be nothing - maybe a clogged milk duct - but breast cancer??  especially since, as many of you know, i had thyroid cancer about 15 years ago.  i figured i'd done my time - lightning couldn't possibly strike me twice.  but here we are.


last week was packed with visits to various bangkok doctors and meetings at the embassy med office.  every evening and morning, we were on the phone and emailing with specialists back in the states.  it's amazing how many of our friends and family have connections to top breast surgeons, oncologists, obgyns, etc.  a HUGE thank you to everyone who hooked us up with resources.  by the end of the week, we had a plan: surgery, then baby, then radiation and/or chemo.


surgery is tomorrow.  we are blessed to be working with the top breast surgeon in thailand - the surgeon to the royal family :)  and he's the founder and director of the highly-respected breast cancer center here in bangkok.  he'll be removing the tumor and several nearby lymph nodes.  of course, we were extremely freaked out by the idea of surgery/general anesthesia while i'm still pregnant, but we've been assured by everyone we've talked to that it's safe for the baby.  and we just can't wait - pregnancy hormones can be very dangerous for cancer growth.  there's a tiny chance of preterm labor, but i'm 34 weeks now, and the baby would almost surely do very well if he came now.  plus, i've been getting steroid injections to help with his lung development.  but he'll most likely stay put.


we'll have to wait a few days to learn the results of the tumor/lymph node analysis.  if it's good news, we may be able to wait for the baby to come on his own (in about 6 weeks) and start treatment after.  if it's bad news, we may have to bring the baby early to start treatment sooner.  looks like worse case scenario would be delivering him at 37 weeks, which isn't bad at all.  he'd be full-term - not considered a preemie.


we vacillate between being focused, task-oriented, determined and terrified, panicked, angry, sad.  ian has been amazing - i know he's going through his own fear and grief right now, but somehow he manages to take excellent care of me.  i hope i do the same for him.  and, while we've been in bangkok less than 2 months, we already have an incredible group of friends who have been unbelievably supportive.  it's definitely difficult to be so far from family and our other friends, and we've questioned whether staying in bangkok for treatment is the right decision - but medical care is so good here, and we don't have to be separated.  if i came home, ian could come for a brief time, but not for long.  so for now, we're choosing to stay here, leaning on our new community of friends and the wonderful medical experts we've met.


we decided to share this with everyone, because it looks likely that this could be a lengthy process, and it just doesn't work to try to keep it quiet.  plus, the outpouring of love and support we've already received from people who know has been a huge source of strength for us - there's no logic in trying to go through this alone.


we'll keep you in the loop.  thanks for reading :)